This morning I read on MTV.com that pop peasant Ke$ha is being sued by her former managers for $14 million. My first thought was, “That sucks for her.” My second thought was, “Hey! Ke$ha is an anagram for $hake!”
And that got me thinking.
I have never much cared for Ke$ha. I didn’t even care enough about her to think about why I didn’t care for her. If pressed, I would have probably said that I didn’t care for her because she sounds like a drunk baby and looks like a glittery golden retriever.
But that’s not really it.
What is it? Is she significantly less talented than her pop peers? Not really. She can’t sing. Britney Spears can’t sing. She can’t dance, but Gaga can’t dance either. Is it that her songs are total rubbish? Maybe. But the first line of Katy Perry’s current single is, “Have you ever felt like a plastic bag?” and the first line of Rihanna’s current single is, “I want you to love me like I’m a hot pie.”
So what really is it that makes Ke$ha so indefensible? I think it’s something most women experience at some point in their lives: low self confidence. No matter how many times she flexes her arms or makes fierce eyes, I don’t believe in Ke$ha because I don’t think Ke$ha believes in herself. All you have to do is watch the first 5 seconds of her performance of “Tik Tok” on SNL to see that look in her eyes that says fuuuuuuuuuuuuck…
That feeling of fuuuuuuuuuuuuck permeates all of her work, and although I feel bad for her, I think this is an excellent opportunity to remind women everywhere of a very important affirmation. Whatever you do, believe in yourself! Don’t $hake like Ke$ha!
Although ABC’s The Bachelor is abysmal at making marriages, it is not devoid of good date ideas. This week, hunky bar owner Brad Womack took his ladies for a little group therapy with Dr. Drew. For some of them, this was their very first date with Brad. Surprisingly, the date went great!
Now that I’ve seen it done successfully on TV, I believe all first dates should be therapy dates. If you can’t get Dr. Drew to accompany you and your ladyfriend to Outback Steakhouse, simply incorporate pointed questions into the evening as seems fitting.
For instance, when pouring her a glass of wine, ask her if she has any substance abuse issues. When her steak arrives, ask her if she’s ever pondered her own mortality. When you give her a hug at the end of the night, ask her if her daddy ever loved her.
Make it casual, but make it hurt. Make your intense, critical glare the most romantic thing she’s ever seen!
The adage that men can’t commit is widely accepted, but some male celebrities are breaking the stereotype… over and over. Jesse James and Kelsey Grammer are two examples of men who seem unable to do anything but commit.
James and Grammer each made headlines recently for their engagements to tattoo artist Kat Von D and nondescript stewardess Kayte Walsh respectively. These pronouncements of undying love would be sweet if both men hadn’t each been married 3 times already and gone through bitter divorces in the last 9 months.
Most onlookers have asked themselves: why can’t the West Coast Choppers cheater and former Frasier wait a bit before getting hitched again?
The answer is that they are Honeymoonlighters.
What is a Honeymoonlighter, you ask? He is someone who’s addicted to the honeymoon phase of a relationship - the part that’s all rainbows and blowjobs. He’s addicted to the infatuation he feels for his new lady, or more factually, to the Dopamine, Norepinephrine, and Phenylethalimine that surges through his infatuated brain.
And what makes Honeymoonlighters feel the need to get married RIGHT NOW? Because taking the time to get to know each other is a buzzkill. In fact, it’s getting to know each other that pushes people past infatuation into lasting love. Honeymoonlighters think that’s something Mr. Buzz Killington would say.
So what should you do if you’ve received a ring from a man with a multiplex of exes? First, don’t fret. Your solution lies in a simple math equation (as do most good relationship solutions). Postpone the wedding for a number of years equivalent to the number of times he’s been married before. For Ms. Kat Von D and Ms. Nondescript Stewardess, that would mean making their men wait 4 years before saying “I do.”
In my professional opinion, if he is unwilling to wait, then he’s a clear-cut Honeymoonlighter and will be engaged to someone else within a year. If he does wait, you’re on the road to lasting love.
Last night’s episode of Jersey Shore showed Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi getting arrested for some very drunk, disorderly, and beachy debauchery. In the process of being extremely drunk, the self-described “little meatball” forgot where the beach was, got tons of sand between her boobs, and told a policeman he was no fun.
Nevertheless, there was a sprinkle of sugar in Snooki’s shit cocktail.
“Going to jail is definitely embarrassing, but the fact that I have these people in the house that are supporting me… that makes me feel 100 times better.”
That’s sweet, Snooks. But in what way did Snooki’s friends really support her? I saw J-WOWW wipe away some of the sand between her boobs. But all in all, it seemed her roommates expected (nay, encouraged!) her to continue drinking. Why? Because helping her stop would be a cocktail cockblock.
I’d like to use this episode of Jersey Shore to remind everyone not to confuse friends with frenablers. What’s a “frenabler,” you ask? A frenabler is a pseudo-friend more dangerous than a frenemy and more seductive than a freneighbor. He’s someone who probably cares about you quite a bit… but not as much as he cares about his own situation.
So keep an eye out for frenablers, and more importantly, don’t become one yourself. If your friend says, “I think I have a drinking problem,” don’t respond, “I think you have a drinking solution!”
Be a friend instead.
As 2010 is thrust farther into the annals of history, I am blown away by all the great memes spurt forth from last year. Although we all lolled (and often facepalmed) at the meme eruption of 2010, I believe we missed a vital opportunity to understand what our memes say about ourselves.
I, for example, had a clear favorite meme last year: Double Rainbow all the way. What does this preference say about me? Possibly that I am an innate optimist; possibly that I’m on Peyote. Perhaps I simply have a deep philosophical angst that makes me look at something pretty and yell “WHAT DOES IT MEAN”.
Whatever it means, you can learn a lot about yourself from what makes you lol. What do you think your favorite meme says about you? Here are some possibilities:
Sad Keanu: You are depressed :’(
Deal With It: You think Sad Keanu should deal with it.
Bed Intruder: You are a glass-half-full kind of person, even if your glass is filled with rape.
Meanwhile in X…: You are passive-aggressive and love to travel!
Magnets, How Do They Work?: You are ignorant of many things. But you are passionate about your ignorance and will probably succeed in life.
Vuvuzelas: You are fucking annoying.
So, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! Only you can answer that for yourself.
Ever wanted to better yourself and mock celebrities at the same time? Ever missed your counseling appointment because a marathon of Pimp My Ride was on? If so, you’ve come to the right place.
You don’t have to sacrifice personal growth because you have a crippling addiction to media. The essence of self-help can be found in every judgy celebrity tweet, every frenemy-based reality show, every raptor-related Internet meme, everything every Kardashian has ever said.
Welcome to Therapop. Let’s get started.